For many years I resisted the silence out of fear of what was there. Never realizing that there I would discover myself and my greatest assets held peacefully. Before I delved deeply into the quietude, my mind would accuse, condemn and disturb me. My thoughts were hateful and suspicion of others, and myself. I lived under harsh judgment and I was badgered incessantly by my thoughts.
In an attempt to drown out the noise in my head I very rarely was silent. In my car the radio or a tape was always on. When I would arrive home, I would immediately turn on my TV, and sometimes it and my radio. If I couldn't hear the TV from where I was in my apartment, I would sing to myself or count out loud just so I could shut up the drone in my head.
I would get on the phone and attempt to get in a conversation even for a few minutes. If it were a short call I would try to contact someone else. If that didn't work I would talk to myself, or create a scenario and character that would talk back to me, all the while that the TV, radio or tape player was blabbing in the background. Sometimes even in my sleep I woke myself up by my talking.Yoga and meditation prompted me to visit the silence.
And believe me I didn't want to. But I was so tormented emotionally and physically at that time that I would have attempted anything. Practiced meditation was very hard and disturbing for me. I could feel my whole body shaking with fear, self-loathing and frustration. I felt stymied in the silence.
To quiet the noise, shouts, and mockery in my mind was the most difficult task that I had to undertake. But for me, I had to master it because I didn't have a life. I had zero peace and I was told this was the key to the peace that I sought, to unlock my ability, dreams, and creativity that I felt slipping away.
I was desperate. So my noiseless journey began.When I slowly entered into the quiet realm within I was confronted by my own rage, unforgiveness, harsh judgment and accusation of everyone. As I progressed I could sense my own twisted thought of this being a ridiculous action, and that probably I was being viewed and scorned by some observer, even God.
But I was most afraid of my own rage because inside here it seemed wildly over the top, completely uncontrollable, and without limit. Mostly the rage was aimed at me, and then everyone who rejected me in the past, hurt me, teased me, or mocked me. The rage was the most ferocious thing that I every encountered.
Confronting it meant that I had to fix it. I had to listen to the complaints and do something about it. The rage was not going away, could not be soothed easily. I had to address every single issue that was being shouted into my head, inside me no matter how irrational they sounded, by getting to the meat of these problems and correcting each one. I went to counseling, I received Reiki, and I did yoga and meditation almost every day.
After the rage came the grief. I didn't know how much grief was buried inside of me. I had never before bothered to know that part of myself. But I sat with that feeling through many meditation sessions and through many yoga classes. I was determined to access all of me. I was determined to resolve everything that I came across.
There was also a tremendous amount of fear in me. I now realized that I was a very fearful person. I was painfully aware of people not liking me. The fear of making a mistake and the fear and suspicion that I had that people would hurt me.Every time I entered into my own silence it was an intense encounter of my harshest critics, and then trying to correct and resolve, and cater to all their demands.
It was going to battle, and each day I was assaulted and attacked by my fiercest enemies on one hand and then feeling the terror, grief, and sadness, of the ravages of war and feeling too small to do anything about all of it. But in the end I did. I listened.
I asked for forgiveness, and I asked how to make amends, and what I could do to change.I spent more time with myself and I made my enemies, and critics in my head my most loyal supporters and friends. I healed my grief.
I reassured myself through the fear. I made peace with myself. I was then okay to sit with myself quietly. I turned off the radio, the TV and I visited within myself, and the divine, in silence.
I began by trusting myself and I connected with the silence more and more. I took steps to immediately address and resolve any issue that came up inside. Many more ideas and information were then revealed. My creativity began to rise again. The fear subsided and now I can harness all my resources, talents, and ability to its greatest purpose of teaching and encouraging and expanding the consciousness of this planet.
If you access the silence you too can make a tremendous impact and discover amazing power, strength..Yoga Kat--aka Katheryn Hoban is a yoga teacher and Reiki Master Teacher with twelve years experience. She teaches children's yoga ages 3-6, and 7-12 and Adults privately in NJ. She is the author the book DAUGHTER BELOVED which will come out next year.
She has created a children's affirmation CD (ages 3-6) and an affirmation CD for adults. Yoga Kat is available for speaking or writing and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or 201 970-9340.
COMING SOON http://www.thecircleofpeace.com.
By: Katheryn Hoban